In 2018 (which feels like decades ago), I came across Brigid Delaney’s memoir Wellmania: Extreme Misadventures in the Search for Wellness. It seemed like something I would definitely relate to, but I never ended up reading it. Now it’s been adapted into a Netflix series with Australian comedian Celeste Barber (another CB!) going on cleanses, getting colonics and cupping in an effort to improve her health. (You might remember Barber’s celebrity recreation pics.)
I watched an episode or two and it brought back all of the silly ways in which I thought I was helping my body. And then I came across an old publication (!) so I thought I’d share here. At the time, I remember being really pissed with diet culture. There wasn’t really as much information out there back then as there is now, but back then I felt like I was the problem.
Rereading this piece shows me how much I’ve grown— some of my outdated language choices might be triggering for some, so please take care, and skip this post if needed. (Maybe read 10 Things That Helped Me.)
Diet culture is still here, but it’s masked much more covertly. One expert I’d interviewed for a piece had said the hallmark of healthy eating is flexibility, which I agree. For me, I’d say anything that restricts or places rigid rules around food is not a match (aside from religious or humanitarian reasons). Much of what’s currently marketed restricts or moralizes food. Not long ago Tummy Teas (the modern-day Metamucil laxative) were populating our Instagram feed, endorsed by celebrities whom many young folks look up to, listen to, and trust. And of course Ozempic is the new anti-fat drug that the rich and famous are using. But what happens once someone goes off the appetite suppressants? Eats a bite of sugar?
Diets do not work. I spent years experimenting and trying and it only worsened my relationship with food. It’s up to us to call this out when we see it, and hopefully prevent young folks from going down this path.
(And I hope it’s clear I am not endorsing any of these diets below, and, for instance, that I no longer “feel fat” nor “fear obesity.”)
So, below is an old sophomoric attempt, previously published, lightly edited from its original form, in which I try to mask my contempt for diets and try to be funny. (Cringes inwardly.) But as poet Warsan Shire said about reading her previous work: a kiss to my younger self 💗 and may I continue to grow with compassion for myself.
I’ve had body image issues since I was in second grade. (SECOND GRADE! The time when the only worry a kid should have is selling Girl Scout Cookies or what to bring to your first slumber party.) Because of the infinite images of Victoria’s Secret models, tiny celebrity ingenues, and music video vixens, I obviously had to do something about my doughy stomach and tree trunk thighs. Here is a non-exhaustive biography of how I ate for the last two decades, or what diets would say if they were being transparent.
Home
Eat nothing but frozen peas and carrots. Chew slowly. Savor every tiny orb of food. For reward days, add a sprinkle of salt and pepper.
Binge
Eat a whole pan of brownies in one sitting. Feel guilt, shame, remorse. Vow to never eat anything ever again.
Magazine
Ask your father to buy broccoli… and London Broil. And 2 tablespoons of red wine. It’s what the stars do.
Starve
Feel ashamed and gross and fat; eat nothing but apples to try and feel better.
Bodybuilder
Pineapple for breakfast, protein shakes for lunch and dinner. Eat protein bars like U-Turn that have as much calories and sugar as a Snickers, but take solace in the fact that it’s been personally recommended to you by a real body builder. (You don’t want a body-builder-body; you just want to lose [some] pounds.)
Medical
See a doctor. Tell him you fear obesity, cancer, diabetes. Get a prescription for a pill that makes your poop oily and stains your underwear.
Homeopathic
See an alternative medicine specialist. Complain about Western Medicine. Get tiny Traditional Chinese Medicine balls taped to your ear. Press on them any time you are hungry (read: 24 hours a day). Try to convince yourself it works, then tear them out in anger when you eat a hamburger.
Frozen
Eat nothing but pre-packaged frozen meals. Feel hungry after the five bites it takes you to finish your meal for the day.
Liquids
Stop chewing! Liquids only— water, unsweetened tea, cayenne pepper drinks just like Beyonce. Be. Beyonce. Just [a few] more pounds.
Pressed
Purchase wildly overpriced liquified vegetables for $12 a bottle. Sip your way to a healthier, glowier you one juice at a time. Ignore your growing credit card debt.
Slim
Eat or drink a packaged bar or drink for two meal replacements. Eat a simple, moderate dinner. (Ignore that gnawing question in your head: If you could really eat in moderation, would you even need these shakes?)
Jenny
Pay $150 a week for packaged sugary and salty foods; get a sticker for losing [some] pounds. Have a JC expert tell you that, after an extensive questionnaire, you are, sadly, an emotional eater.
Hydroxicut
Seeing makes you want to believe those before and after shots. Take pills as directed, then surely enough take them all the time. Feel jittery, bug-eyed and hyper, yet irritable. Lose [some] pounds, even if it’s just water weight. That’s still [some] POUNDS!
Watchers
Get free reign to eat whatever you want, just as long as you stay in your WW range (but if you don’t, it’s okay, you have weekly banked bonus points). Count points not calories but really it’s just like calorie counting. Get weighed on a scale in front of strangers. Listen in on meetings with people lamenting about running out of points and bingeing on sugar-free jello and Cool Whip.
HCG
Hear your coworker rave about these liquid hormones. Research immediately on your phone. Purchase. Wait on edge until Miracle Bottle arrives. Place droplets under your tongue. Follow rigid meal plan. Lose [some] pounds.
Bitch
Just THINK like a skinny bitch. Say no to everything. Accept only water when you’re a guest somewhere. Drink vodka sodas. Eat half of a greens-only salad with dressing on the side. Drink water. Channel Heidi Klum.
Steps
A free program that just requires purchase of all required reading material, and heavily suggested donations of thrice-weekly required meetings, and your time, and possibly your soul. Lose your period; potentially harm your fertility and the health of your unborn children. But— lose pounds! They’re just MELTING OFF and people actually start to worry about you; you’re TOO SKINNY!
Binge
Eat whatever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want. Settle into your new plus-size body. Consider becoming a plus-size model.
Dietician
Take advice about red light and green light foods from a not-so-recovered ED specialist. Feel upset for blowing $175 on a consultation (because insurance doesn’t cover eating disorder specialists) where you walked away with a xeroxed list of “green light” foods; something you could have easily googled for free.
Normalcy
Eat what you feel like eating when you feel like it and however much of it your body intuitively needs; enjoy life. Food is necessity, used for fuel and survival and enjoyment.
Prompt: What diets have you tried? How has it impacted your relationship with food and your body and mind (if at all)?
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Christina Berke is a Los Angeles based writer working on WELL, BODY, a memoir about eating disorders, body image, and childhood trauma. An excerpt of this was Longlisted with Disquiet Literary International. A former Managing Editor for Black Mountain Institute’s award-winning literary magazine, Witness, she currently reads for Split Lip. Find out more at www.christinaberke.com.